It never fails that once I am in a hotel room, away from home, all alone, the thoughts come like a flood. Sometimes, it's more than I can handle. I feel like I haven't been home in weeks although I spent two nights there last week. It just wasn't the same. I was stressed over repacking my bag, getting to the airport on time, and how I was going to get there. It was exhausting. So here I am, sitting in MSP (Minneapolis, MN) and it's too cold to do anything outside. I haven't pushed myself enough to work out today. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I focused on some Weight Watcher stuff. Tomorrow morning though, I'm getting up because I will have no excuse. I will be well rested, fed, and hours before I need to report for work.
So there's the prologue. Now, sometimes I worry about just how much I share on here. This has become a good outlet most of the time for my thoughts and opinions but there is soo much that I still hold in. I question whether or not I should have kept this one private or had done a completely separate one just for me. I get in situations where I worry about sharing too much, who's reading it, if what I'm sharing isn't worthy of someone reading it, if I'm going to offend someone, etc. Sounds stressful huh? So the end result? I keep it all in. I'm sure some people would tell me that it's extremely unhealthy and I need to learn to express how I feel and think regardless of what someone thinks. They choose to read this and I shouldn't worry about anyone but myself. Because, honestly, at the end of the day it's just me and I have to be comfortable with myself. Some days I have a hard time with that.
Tonight I was working on my Weight Watcher's online tools and updating my paperwork. It really hit me that there is soo much that I want to do and haven't done. I feel like I have started to put myself on the back burner a bit, not even the larger one in the back but the smaller one. I need to upgrade to that larger back burner! I've said that I have wanted to do certain things for a while now and somehow I put it off or make and excuse. And WHY?! I'm hurting no one but myself.
1. Finish School- Life definitely threw it's challenges at me and made sure I was aware of the bad decisions that I had made. Life knew how to discipline me: broken bones and required surgeries. I got the point. But now I have to find a way to get back on track with paying the student loans in default and going back. I don't have that much left and I know I can do it. I will feel like I'm worth soo much more just knowing that I accomplished the goal of finishing my degree. Maybe then I can get a second one. We'll stick with one degree goal at a time though lol.
2. All debt paid off- while most of it is medical, it doesn't matter. It's my responsibility. Although I'm hoping that the settlement from my car accident back in September will be enough to clear that debt or hopefully at least half, regardless it needs to go. I feel like it's additional weight that I am carrying around besides my own body weight. It's the weight of failure on my shoulders. It's hard to hold your head high when you know what's in your closet secretly whispering your name. I need a plan and need to come up with it soon.
3. Increase 401K contributions- I need to prepare for my future now. I can't wait until my debt is paid off. I need to take care of myself and pay my self first. It's a bill that should take priority while I work on the others. I need to learn to live on less. Which I've done quite easily in the past. Not working for 3 months definitely took it's toll in every form possible.
4. My Weight- Obviously we know that I've already started that and for my first week did amazing! (Learning to praise myself!) I know I can do this. And while 3 medicine balls seems like a lot, I'm going to focus on my first medicine ball to lose. However, Josh's sister and I want to start Zhumba. I need to make time for me and do something for me. I know I can do this. Just hoping I can continue to have the support.
There are some other things that have weighed heavily on my mind this evening but not sure about sharing it quite yet. It's a topic I need to get answers to first. I need to figure out where some things stand for the future.
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