Just Me

Today has definitely been an off day. I'm irritable, agitated, and extremely emotional. It's frustration to go from one to the other, literally in less than 60 seconds, and even then they sometimes overlap. Talk about giving a girl a hot flash. Even those have been miserable today.

I think maybe the hot flashes are from the anxiety. I haven't been quite on top of the medicine and I can see the side affects of not taking it. I lose control over my emotions quickly. I can't even tell when. . . .it's like a lightening bolt; sudden, unexpected, and damaging. And then that lightening bolt is the ignition for the volcano of emotions overflowing into a pure mess. Does any of that make sense?

Anyways, there are a lot of emotions right now before Monday comes. In fact, Sunday night will be nerve racking. This whole time I have been on reserve and haven't been called. I will admit that has been a relief but perhaps a mistake, although one I'm okay with at the current time. See, it's all about control with me. I haven't had it in a lot of situations in my past so then when the opportunity arises that I do...watch out! I have been at the bottom of the list for reserve each day, simply because I have enough seniority. It wasn't just that though. Regardless, if I worked or not I was going to get paid the same. That wasn't going to make a difference at all (except maybe more chores getting done). Also, it was a matter of going back on my terms and not those of crew support (they can play diiirrrtyyyy!). So now here it is, me going back on my terms. Monday is a BIG HUGE day. And a long one at that. I have a 7:55 AM show time (time I have to be checked in for my trip and ready on the aircraft) and won't be finished until 22:37 (10:37PM) in Montreal (yup, that one there in Canada, eh). Talk about a LONG day for my official first day back flying.

Also, everyone seems to have an opinion about how I should handle things going back. Between management, two therapists, and myself, there have been decisions made on how to handle situations that may present themselves. It's extra frustrating though that the other individuals have all given me their opinions, assuming that their way is the correct way but yet haven't really asked me, COURTNEY, what I want to do about it and simply supporting it. Because at the end of the day, it's still my life, my experiences, and I'm the only one that needs to be okay with my decisions.